Read at Own Risk

Friday, oh Friday, you are such a blessing to me. This week has seemed positively endless. Perhaps it is because my social calendar has been a little, ah--how do I put this--oh yeah, EMPTY this week. Sometimes weeks void of all human interaction are such a blessing and sometimes they are so disappointing. Unfortunately, I happened to want to be an extrovert this week, but my opportunities were limited.

The low points of my boring week follow in bulleted format:

• Whittled my cluttered Inbox down from 844 messages to 15, after reading all 844 messages to determine if they were file-worthy or delete-worthy.
• Deep cleaned one of the living room walls that was saturated with sweet tea from a brief moment of indiscretion during Saturday’s game. A moment wherein I pithily calculated the cost of throwing a full cup of sweet tea at the wall after a particularly bad call from the now-suspended team of referees.
• Found an unopened bag of Superhero candy sticks (formerly known as candy cigarettes) from last Halloween and determined to finish them off in one sitting.
• Went to the Wal-Marts to get more candy sticks, because a home with no candy sticks is no home at all.
• Discovered that, based on the following description, I have a whole lot more in common with the “Teacup Piglet,” than I’m altogether proud to admit:
  

  "They will eat nearly endless amounts of food, particularly high-carbohydrate unhealthy food, if allowed, so it is vital to restrict access to the food it craves. They will constantly search for food, and should be kept far away from the kitchen."

• Became entirely too excited about the purchase of a new bottle of laundry detergent.
• Checked my blog incessantly to ensure that you all, for the most part, do not believe me guilty of taco theft. The results are 13-4 in my favor. So, thank you.

The remedy for this boring week is found in my weekend plans. Yes! I have some. Tonight I’m attending a soiree thrown by my friends Denise, Jaci, and Sarena. This event has been christened “An Evening of Sophistication (part Deux).” It’s a birthday party/swanky to-do where we all dress up and act like we have a modicum of class.

For my impression of someone with class, I have decided to impersonate Dame Judi Dench all evening, complete with British accent. My mantra for the evening shall be “What would the Dame do?” However, if throughout the evening that question ever begets the answer “Not eat candy sticks,” then I will reprise my role as myself and proceed to eat.the.candy.sticks.

Then tomorrow I will abandon all pretenses of classiness (I will effectually “leave classy at home”) and SCREAM, SHOUT, and WILL the Hogs to a victory over Ole Miss. In public. Because, unfortunately, this is the one game all season that I will not be able to access from the comfort of my own couch.

Of course it is.