Settlers of Ca-tahn, So I'm Told

Have y’all ever played this crazy game? Honestly, the box cover in and of itself was enough to make me never want to play it. Ever. I don’t know about you, but a scythe-wielding maiden sitting on the side of ye old dirt road with her evidently homeless family in fashion that can only be described as “dated” does not invoke the idea of good times and camaraderie shared around the hearth.

But…several of my friends, many who have moderately good taste, told me it was a lot of fun, so I gave it a chance last night. The aforementioned friends were right. I had a delightful time playing this game in spite of the slightly disturbing box cover. It’s a game of strateeegery and you definitely have to outthink your opponents.

I generally like games of luck because I’m sort of a teensy weensy itty bitty bit competitive and when dumb luck is involved I can blame my failures on misfortune, rather than lack of skill. This game, however, makes me face all of my neuroses head-on and provides me with the opportunity to regret every single decision I make countless times. Obviously I did not win. Don’t judge me, I’m still learning. Additionally, my partner was pretty weak sauce and didn’t really know what she was doing.

But I have vowed to win this game on my next attempt. And I’m so committed to winning, that I’ve spent a good portion of this day—the day the Lord has made—on the GoogleInterwebs seeking out people who spend their lives discussing strategy about a game that most people with any interest in maintaining a modicum of pride would never admit to playing.

While researching, I found out that my dream of winning will never be realized because a) I’m not even smart enough to comprehend the strategies these folks thought up, much less employ said strategies b) I’m not willing to commit one more second of my time to figuring out how to beat people at a game that wants me to pretend I live in a time period that predates the invention of Oatmeal Crème Pies. Nothing good happened before OCPs c) I would have to commit to being a board game nerd in order to win, and I just don’t want to win that badly. Except I do.

If you have a strategy that I can understand, please help me. I have to win!